Chapter 12: Envy.

Mom gave us a quick lecture about magic in the orphanage classroom. This sort of setup was not common in the empire. Education could sometimes be provided by parents or apprenticeships, but the most common method was to have certain big employers that would provide the training in exchange for a set period of work that would follow. They often took in entire families who would work for them for generations under that sort of system. That was what I was able to pick up from Grandpa’s ramblings.I knew most of the things Mom was discussing about magic already, so I just sat back and relaxed. At some point, Salaire decided to hang out in the back with me.

"You're… very smart," she said with a curious stare.

"Thank you!" I said, and then focused back on the lesson. I knew, of course, what Salaire was getting at. I had shown intelligence well beyond what a four-year-old human should have.

The reason was simple. I was a reincarnator. I should be closing in on my forties, if you add up both of my lives. It'd be quite sad if I was literally as dumb as a common four-year-old.

My past life was something that I wasn't keen on talking about. Even to my parents, I had only told them about the bare minimum. And they were fine with that. They realized that I was uncomfortable with the topic, and didn't press me on it. They were far more understanding than the parents that came before them. I loved them. Family was great when it was.

Soon the discussion was over, and we moved back to the front yard. We gathered around Mom who sat cross-legged while holding a wand. She summoned rays of light to the delight of the orphans, who jumped around to try and catch them. She then turned them into a few shining orbs that floated around, and this too went over really well with the excitable children.

The behavior of different kinds of mana could differ greatly, and light in particular was difficult to hold in place like this. It yearned to shoot out in a random direction, hence a dispersed ray was its most common manifestation. But of course, my mother was an accomplished mage, perhaps the most accomplished in the entire town. So she could do at least this much.

I repeated the same exercise that I'd done plenty of times before, of attempting to and to the mana. The other children eventually calmed down and did the same.

And then the lights winked out.

"The mana is still present, just like earlier," Mom explained. "But it is not activated."

To manifest or to activate the mana. To will it into existence, in a way that affects things physically in an obvious and immediate way. That was part of the process of using magic, but mana could still be present without doing any of that. It'd simply remain as an invisible force, having minimal impact on physical reality. If the caster lets go of it, then the mana would disperse back into the environment.

Moonwash walked around us, while we were all trying to guess at where the light mana was currently present. She stretched out her hand towards a certain spot, and Mom raised her brows. Moonwash continued to silently walk around, only stopping at seemingly random points, to gawk and focus on a nearby area.

"Amazing," Mom said. "You were able to guess where exactly the mana was."

Moonwash was praised by my mom, as she did what I still could not. I shook my head of the unnecessary thoughts, and stomped across the ground. I felt at the mana, how it flows, light was different, it was more active than any other element and…

I fumed silently, taking a few deep breaths.

"Haell, are you okay?" Mom asked, having noticed my behavior.

"Yes," I answered instantly. "Just… breath the mana?"

Mom laughed. "Well, it true that mana interacts with the world in stilted and strange ways. The keyword being that it still interacts. So deep breaths work."

The thought surprised me, once I was finally able to put it into words.

I walked around some more, weaving across the orphans who were doing the same. I bumped into Moonwash eventually, and she just stepped around me without paying a single whiff of attention, as if I wasn't even worthy of her time. Uncaring of everything else going on around her, she simultaneously kept track of the mana around us while working on finishing her doll.

I felt a strong twitch of anger.

I blinked, and then stared at her. She met my eyes, and then patted me on the head, before walking away.

It was so fucking embarrassing I could die for a second time. But I acknowledged the feeling, and allowed it to wash over me.

I was no stranger to shameful feelings within myself. Emotions were just a part of life. What mattered was what I did, not what manner of thoughts intruded upon my head.

I felt better already, after working through it all in my mind.

With a bit more skip in my steps, I continued to feel and know the mana around me. I knew it was there. I was confident already in my ability to determine its presence, and even the general amount. I still couldn't do it as precisely as Moonwash could, but that was fine. It wasn't a race.

And even if it was a race, I was younger than Moonwash. So I might still be winning!

After the exercise with light mana, we tried some of the other elements. First, Mom summoned and floated around some of the water, turned it into ice, and then back. She explained how water mana could be turned to ice like that, if with a steep cost and with a particular interpretation that not every mage had. She discarded the shards of ice and blobs of water on the ground, and then informed us that there were long streams of water mana flowing all around us.

I pawed at my surroundings to try to get a feel for it just like I practiced a few days ago, and I encountered a familiar sensation of resistance upon my hands, almost as if I were underwater. It was a phantom sensation of course, but that in itself was a part of how mana works. It left those kinds of impressions. And that was how my psyche interpreted water mana.

Moonwash was also able to feel the water mana easily, but that was just how she was.

We moved on to nature after water, and immediately Gerry, the belfegor boy that defeated me in hide and seek, was able to feel the nature mana with accuracy rivaling that of the Moonwash, if not greater. I soon noticed how the other belfegors were also more talented in this element than others, even if not to the extent of Gerry.

"There are general differences in talents, among the different species. That much is true," Mom explained. "Just like how belfegors have stronger grips, or how humans can remain active for very long. Keep in mind that there are also talents that cannot be seen in our Status."

She looked all the children in the eye one by one. "But that doesn't mean that anyone is better or worse. That any species or race is better than the other. We are all people, and we're in this together. We are equal."

The children nodded, inspired, although I saw some who looked more reluctant. One of them actually had the guts to speak up. A centaur, a species native to this continent.

"That's not what they said in church," the boy said with a nervous scowl.

Mom smiled, "You're right. It isn't."

“But what about the fountans?” He gestured towards the one-handed children who were just moments ago walking around blindly, unable to feel anything. “They cannot do magic. Why force them to do this?”

“I am forcing no one, they participated of their own volition.”

“But it’s useless!”

Mom shrugged. “I believe there is value in trying. Why couldn’t they explore their potential? Failure is not uncommon, and I am sure they already knew the likely result of their attempts going in, but that is no reason to scorn their efforts. Everyone fails at some point, but sometimes it is better to experience that pain than to be burdened with bitter regret.” Her face was mournful at that last sentence, as if she spoke from experience.

“Yes!” I had to give my agreement. “Who cares what the shepherds think! If they want to try, then fucking let them, asshole!”

“What!?” the centaur boy shouted. “You…! That’s blasphemy!”

“I don’t care smelly face!!”

“My face isn’t smelly! You are!”

“Nuh-uh! I can smell it from here! Eww ewww ewww!!”

We argued inteligent back and forth for a few more moments, my mom unable to hold her laughter. I smiled at seeing her be cheered up, and then I returned my focus to my mana-sensing practice once I had won the argument through facts and logic.

We cycled through other elements, until Mom arrived at something that she was a bit reluctant to use.

Selfishly, I still asked my mom to let me have a go.

"Fire!"

Mom frowned. "That… is one of the most dangerous ones. Even unignited, it could hurt you… maybe not truly, but it could be painful."

I nodded, having already heard and known this explanation. It was like how I could perceive the resistance of water, so too could the heat of fire be felt. It was why Mom was so reluctant to use it. Because at our last training session, I ended up getting hurt, or at least, I felt pain.

Mom looked towards Salaire.

The belfegor woman shrugged. "What is the harm? As long as you do not ignite, then no damage… maybe a little bit of pain??"

Mom sighed, and then ordered everyone to back away. I was, on the other hand, cheering.

She reiterated why it was dangerous to everyone, and then summoned a ball of fire on her palm. It was just like what one would find in the burning seas of hell.

Mom then snuffed it out, but informed us that the mana was still gathering in that same spot.

"Now, keep your distance, and see if you can still feel the mana."

I nodded and came closer, so did a lot of the other children. I saw strange flashes of red and orange above my mom's palms that weren't truly there. I imagined entire armies of demons walking confidently through flames.

I could feel it, I knew. I closed my eyes to confirm. In the darkness of my mind, a certain direction shone like a beacon. I knew it was there without even looking!

"I found it!" I exclaimed. This was the sheer and utter confidence of mana that my mother had told me, but had never really felt for myself before. "It's what you've been teaching me! I know it, I know it, I know it!" I vibrated and jumped around in place.

"O-oh? Really? Well, that’s certainly a stronger reaction than with any other element we’ve tried…”

"Yes!" I shouted, and then pointed to the left of Mom's head. "You moved it!"

Her eyes widened, and then she shifted the fire mana around some more, at times splitting it into two, and then making it gone entirely. She stretched its shape, and shrunk it to almost nothing, but every single time I knew exactly what she was doing, with accuracy even greater than what that Moonwash girl had shown!

Mom smiled. "Dang. Well, looks like this really is the element for you…”

“Yes!” I agreed. I jumped for the ball of fire mana, but it flitted away from my grasp. I frowned, pouted, then tried again!

“Now, now, Haell,” Mom chided softly, still keeping the magic out of my grasp. “I just explained why you shouldn’t touch it. It can be painful for some.”

“But I wanna!”

“Haell, it might hurt you…”

“It’s fine! You said it’s just like… a phantom pain, right? No actual damage?”

“W-well… I did…”

“Please, Mom!” I pleaded. “I can do it! I’m capable too!” My gaze naturally shifted to Moonwash for a very brief moment. “I… you can’t shelter me forever. I will get hurt at some point. But I’m strong. Please.”

She blinked. I could see her resolve waver. She wanted to keep me safe, but my spirit could never be sheltered.

Mom eventually nodded, and I plunged my hand into the mana.

I felt the pain of touching a stove. I experienced the agony of being cooked alive in the cauldrons of hell. The flames were almost alive, caressing my arms, and pulling me into an unwanted embrace.

I hissed.

Mom almost made the magical energy dissipate once she saw my wince, but I met her eyes and my resolve got through to my mother.

I did not shy away from the burning pain in my arm, I knew that was simply the concept behind the mana. It was not activated. I was not actually being burned. I was safe, and more than that, I had to get through this in order to move forward.

I kept my hand plunged in, and slowly the burning sensation lessened. From that of keeping my hand inside a scorching oven, to something more manageable like a single small candle, until eventually it was only a dull heat, comparable to basking in the desert sun.

"I did it, Mo–!" My mother crashed into me before I could finish my sentence. She hugged me tight and stroked my hair, praising me for what I'd done.

"Yes. Yes, Haell. You did it. I'm so proud of you. I'm so so very proud of you. Never forget it. Don't you forget it. You're my one greatest treasure in the world."

My vision started to become blurry. I could not help it. The emotions welled up past the boiling point, and they flooded out. I cried into my mom's embrace, holding her close, and getting snot all over her hair. My wails echoed throughout the orphanage, my surroundings disappeared entirely from my view. My mom did not let me go throughout the whole entirety of it. She was never this emotional for Moonwash or any of them, no matter how much talent they showed.

Not that they were inferior or anything. And certainly not that my mom couldn't be proud of them too. I just felt so silly now, feeling competitive all by myself, becoming insecure that she'd… she'd… leave me behind for them. Just like the parents I used to have back on earth, they always talked about how that child or that cousin was so much better than I.

My mom and dad. My mom and dad. They were not like that. They were truly my family, and they were already proud. I didn't need to prove myself to them. I had nothing to prove to them. They already loved me and more.

But I'd still make them even prouder, more than they or anyone else ever believed to be possible.

I owed them that much. I owed it to myself.