Page 29
Chapter 29 of "Maybe We Can Find It" kicks off revealing: Before I can stop myself, Iām reaching out and giving the ends of her long... Find out whatās next!
Before I can stop myself, Iām reaching out and giving the ends of her long hair a twirl around my finger. I think she holds her breath until I drop the lock. āOther than going out to eat, youāre the first person who has cooked for me in about as long as I can remember. Itisgood, but I promise you, even if this tasted awful, Iād still appreciate it just as much.ā
The blush spreads down to her neck, and I want to lean in and kiss my way over the red spots. Which is something I wonāt do, of course. That would be a terrible idea.
We resume eating quietly for a bit, but when she sets her fork down in her mostly empty bowl with a sigh, I sense sheās ready to talk again.
āWhat were you going to say before?ā I prompt her. āAbout pretending to be something youāre not.ā
She pushes the bowl away a few inches and angles herself toward me, crossing her legs. I try hard not to get distracted by those legs in the tiny jean shorts sheās been wearing all day. She looks as good dressed down as she does when sheās wearing her sundresses. Maybe better, because now she looks less like the celebrity you see in photos and videos. I prefer the realness.
āI always assumed one thing about myself,ā she starts slowly, ābut what if I was wrong? What if Iām not who I thought I was? What if Iāmdifferentthan the way Iāve presented myself my whole life?ā
āWhat if youāremorethan what you thought?ā I ask, reading between the lines and trying to reframe what sheās getting at in a more positive way.
The smile she gives me is tentative, but achingly sweet. āIām pretty sure I am. And thatās not... It doesnāt scare me to know that about myself. What scares me is wondering if Iāll have to hide it. The way Skyler did.ā
I hate that for her. āYouāre a grown adult,ā I remind her as kindly as possible. āYou donāthaveto do anything you donāt want to do.ā
āI donāt think thatās entirely true,ā she says with a sad laugh. āBut what I mean to say is that Iām wondering if Iāll still be able to do country music. If the fans will still want my music when I tell the truth.ā
It doesnāt slip my notice how she saidwhen, notifshe tells. But Iām not sure if she meant to say it that way, so I want to let her know that itās never a requirement to out yourself. āYou can keep that part of yourself private if youāre worried about the publicās reaction. Youāre allowed to live your private life however you choose and still present a public persona. Youāre allowed to keep some things separate.ā
āThatās an option, true. But for how long until something leaks? Until another stolen photograph exposes me? I donāt want that threat constantly hanging over my head.ā She shifts again, her knee knocking lightly into mine. She doesnāt move it away. āIāmnotashamed of being who I am. I know thereās nothing to be ashamed of. I want to make that clear. Thereās just a lot of stuff that comes with being... who I am that Iāve had to think about lately.ā
I shouldnāt push her to say anything sheās not ready to say out loud. She doesnāt owe me that. But sheās talking around it, and we both know whatās sheās getting at. And I have the suspicion that she wants to say it, that it might help her if she did. So.
āAnd who are you exactly?ā I prod as gently as possible. āYou donāt have to tell me, butāā
āIām Riley,ā she says, matter-of-factly. Then she laughs at herself, because she knows what Iām asking. I wait a few moments, giving her time to decide if she wants to answer for real. And then she looks at me and says, āIām pretty sure Iām bisexual.ā
āIs that the first time youāve said that?ā
Leaning back in her chair, she lets out what sounds like a sigh of relief. āOut loud, yeah. But itās only because Iāve been in the process of figuringit out. Iāll tell my brother. And my parents.ā She tucks her hair behind her ear. āAndrew is gay, in case you didnāt know that. So Iām obviously not concerned my family will react badly. Itās just that Andrew figured himself out so young, and when he came out, the town made it into this whole big celebration almost. It was really strange, but thatās Mayweather.ā
I huff a laugh. āYeah, strange is an understatement.ā
She smiles at that. āI think he was relieved when I became famous for real, because it finally overshadowed his weird town fame. But anyway, I feel so behind compared to him, coming out now when Iām almost thirty. So Iām not afraid to tell him, Iām only a little embarrassed that itās taken me this long.ā
āThat isnāt something you need to be embarrassed about,ā I assure her. āTons of people donāt realize until theyāre older. And sexuality is a spectrum, anyway. You can still prefer one thing over another. It can change. I think most people are more fluid than they might think.ā
āThatās true.ā
I reach out to set my hand on her thigh, more firmly than before. And this time when she glances down, I donāt pull away. I want her to know Iām here for her. āThank you for sharing yourself with me. For trusting me with this.ā
I donāt give two shits about fame, but I understand how hard it must be, not knowing if someone is going to run to the tabloids with gossip about you.
āYouāre easy to trust,ā she says. Then, whether accidentally or on purpose, her hand drifts down, settling halfway on top of mine. āThanks for listening to my ramblings. I think I needed to say all of this out loud to someone so I could process it myself.ā
As we gaze at each other, my hand on her leg, her hand on mine, it feels like something is shifting between us. Some unseen force pulling us closer. That must be it, because I have no logical reason to be so drawn to her when I still barely know her.
One of us needs to say something. Do something. Before this becomes weird.
I know what I want to do. I want to lean in closer and bring my other hand up to run it through her hair. But I donāt. Because while I think itās entirely possible that she might want that too, I donāt think itās what she needs right now. Itās not the smart move for either of us.
āIāā
She starts to say something, but I donāt find out what it is, because Freddie the food fiend chooses that moment to appear out of nowhere, launching himself up onto Rileyās lap, making us both jump. His claws dig into my hand, and I yank it away. At the same time, Riley yelps, so I know he got her too in his attempt to climb onto the table.
I stand up and snatch him off her right as heās about to stick his face into the bowl of food she pushed aside. āYou asshole,ā I scold him. Although as annoyed as I am at his bad behavior, I canāt bring myself to sound too harsh. This fucker is my best friend. I set him down on the floor, and say, āHere,ā tossing him a chunk of salmon out of my own bowl.